Today all throughout work, I felt entirely dissatisfied with my life. I have no interest in continuing it. The re-acclimation of the ideal of love has made me ask what now? What ambition could possibly drive me now? This is all I've wanted, and now that I have it I could certainly care less for living. Though I know its for the cowards, so tomorrow I will awake anew and refreshed and oh so not this state of mind however, I feel its important that I record this feeling, in an effort to remember myself before I get lost within the realm of cupid's cleansing.

I have no interests. None. What so ever. And the things I am interested in will only damage me more -  love and drugs. The only thing I have out side of these is my work, the admiration of community, and the peace I find within people being happy, raising children, working their secular jobs and living their secular lives. Honestly, I wish simply to wave goodbye, and smile to them. As I see this happening to myself, I see a foundation, deep and building somehow within me. I feel younger than I was 3 years ago, and through those years until now. My memory is full of evil I'd done to myself, and the people I love, full of false realities that I've blanketed over the real one. And I only wish it to simply end, and to have people respect me on the merits of which I would like to end it. However, I do not agree with myself about this, even though fully endowed with the ideal. I simply wish to say, and be respected for this:

I no longer have the need, wish, or interest in continuing my journey. I have come to discover beauty in all flaws of man, I have come to discover what humans argue over and why, and how surely it is destiny for the race to simply continue, like an infinite yarn ball down an infinite staircase, united and loving each other for the merit of the argument of the soft and subtle blows the yarn may do to the stair case.  How the two simply agree their eternity is an agreement, a domestic partnership illegitimate of the act of secular emotions such as loneliness or wonder - although entirely separate and entirely different from each other in all ways the two continue, one bobs and sways, and one picks direction.

Within our minds we do the same. However instead of being two parts we are one, interjected by time, by each other (this being the yarn to the stair case). I understand that, we become whole by dealing with the yarn, and thus, the yarn in some emphatic and invisible wisdom, such as time is, such as randomness prevails is (amongst your daily interactions w/ people), is also dealing with us. To me, this is no limbo, and surely each one of us is significant, surely each one of us has a duty to do unto others, to ensure the balance of all things is kept tidy, for the giant in the sky watching us until Christmas, in which he takes his seventh day and rests until the new year. 

But I merely wish to be relieved of duty, and be one of the ether, I merely wish to spread my experience in a subtle, foreboding, un-neglecting, and charismatic way to the people I hold so dear, which is all living creatures. Though we are no longer together in the phsyical world, trust that I hold you and protect you from a place of which is divine of ineptitude.

And if you so happen to find yourself, walking admidst the harvest moon, and it shines bright where you may wander dark, know that I'm watching, breaking bad, disgusted in pity, requited in lust.

Just found myself my ass.
This has been an every day struggle, and just because I have some more solidarity and have come into this Brick By Brick character, if anything I'm running from what I truly desire, and don't ever kid yourself about it.
I'd much rather be falling off planet earth right now in any direction home.
Instead I'm stuck on these plateaus with this green poison, and these green egos, and green materials, and green nothings. ITD BE NICE TO ACTUALLY HAVE SOME ONE ELSE TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT. Some how you can't see that light shuga, I dunno how.
So I decided I'd buy it. So just let it alone, leave me be, I just want some purpose to continue the Brick by Brick, regardless of the fact that I distaste this process and everything about it, it is the only way to survive in this world, and therefore must be lived.
As if theres purpose in the risk anyway.
Theres nothing in it at all until it arrives.




it'll go around w/ any one
but it won't come down for anyone
n' i won't come down for any one.

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

trait snapshot:
messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

Its still our open hearts vs their closed fists, but with a little bit of wit, and a saucy drunk stumble, well of blown down the wall and hear the last rumble.

Good cupid came to and addressed this ol' lout "For this sixth lonely year of valentines, I saint and beseech you this bottle o' wine. For each arrow adrift, or those on par, you seem to swat and bellow, against your own charm".
and in great retort I did digress "You should've bought whiskey, you know I'm a mess".

happy valentines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote at length about my idea on it right here, right now. However, I trust acid more than I trust my instinct on this one. I need the lady in red to come o me again, I NEED to face her. I need to kill her in my false reality and move on to a sexual revolution is the idea.
I demand entirely that you do not think what I'm thinking.
And I also demand entirely that ITS MY PROBLEM .
NOT YOURS.

Strength is the firm basis on which is built the temple of the Triumphant Life. Without a central motive and fixed resolve, your life will be a poor, weak, drifting, unstable thing. Let the act of the moment be governed by the deep abiding purpose of the heart. You will act differently at different times, but the act will not be wrong if the heart is right. You may fall and go astray at times, especially under great stress, but you will quickly regain yourself, and will grow wiser and strong thereby so long as you guide yourself by the moral compass within....

Err on the side of strength rather than weakness. The measures you adopt may not be the best, but if they are the best you know, then your plain duty is to carry them out; by so doing you will discover the better way, if you are anxious for progress, and are willing to learn...

Rise up in your divine strength, and spurn from your mind and life all meanness and weakness. Do not live the false life of a puling slave, but live the true life of a conquering master.

- James Allen.
(The ideal of purpose.).

I woke up instantly today after being woken up about 20 different times from 7:00am to 11:00am.
My dream state is still floating around in the back of my head, I can feel it, and also, see its imagery in my brain (thank god it isn't bleeding into my reality). There are only 2 things I remember about my dream though, one was that I should quit smoking (which has never been a thought of mine, I like to smoke so weird that its come into frame) and two was fucking this girl from work that I find extremely attractive (however I know we don't have anything in common and I know she doesn't even have the slightest idea of what my planet looks like).

Second time I've dreamt about that chick. I'm not really going to put any action to it. I don't think the cosmos are telling me anything extremely important by this, I think I'm just horny. Or maybe I was offered an ultimatum for a future reality. Like if I quit smoking maybe I could pick that girl up through the realm of sacrifice and open doors.

I dunno my thoughts are getting obscene. I don't know if its the new Bright Eyes record, or Bill Maher, or James Carvel and other political figures on the left, but everything in my body and will is telling me that the Christians are going to kill everyone and my reality is directly effected by them and their way of thinking. You know, like Inception, the idea that an idea is like a disease and its continuous spread is infectious spreading like wildfire amongst the minds of men. I'm like actually afraid to talk to young people about my personal life, because I don't want to give them any ideas that say YES to things and NO to others. Life is something I feel our own, and should be experienced by means of fate, not by means of persuasion. However, being a victim of persuasion I know fate isn't exactly the right word, but I dunno maybe some times your meant to be duped just to reset your perception.

I think radical morality is one of these infectious diseases. I'm not talking about the 10 commandments as radical morality, I figure those are mostly right, but the radical end of the Christian patriarchal system like abortion, guns, and closed minded GOD ONLY philosophies are certainly wrong. And I feel they are twisting a very big knife in the back of higher minded individuals who don't care about that kind of shit. And oddly enough, these highly minded individuals are the people who use drugs, and get abortions, and open their ears to something louder than the bible - THE HUMAN ELEMENT.

The Human Element and our overall survival, our over all good, is what we should be focusing on. Not whether or not timmy and bobby did a bad thing. We need to think bigger on the weighing scales, not about how much money we're spending as a planet, but how many resources we're using on killing each other and claiming little pieces of land or how our psyche as the intelligent being on this planet is seriously bruised from years of abuse by our Idols.

Dear me,
This is your first entry for the year 2011. All is well, Obama is able to make a few moves now that the republicans have won the House of Reps. Egypt is currently rioting-thus far its been peaceful despite looters and a few cars on fire. The military is seeming to side with the people and is the presumed authority figure. However the dynamic will change; I'm glad the muslim people are standing up for their rights as citizens of the world although terrified... by which direction they take internationally. Independence is a double edged sword.

Speaking of which... You are on the path of independence for once-FINALLY Ambition after all that fear and ignorance. Not to say it still isn't a cage of sorts, this life. I feel removed from the rest of the world and often find myself masking my past - multiple reasons come to mind as to why: loosing my job, becoming recipient of sympathy, becoming a social outcast for social behaviors, or for religious indifference of which my closest relation to co-workers with is KARRRMAAA. But these thoughts are somewhat the issue at hand. being free of insecurity and being strong enough to break free from A. Reputation and B. Personal Stigma. YOU ARE NOT LOST BOY. Just create your new identity. Like Egypt.


Lately you've realized some power within your reality. basic human rights established within the house hold ( although be mindful in remembering Ron is not an ally - On 2 occasions now while you were sober and he was drunk he's said 'How 'bout I kill you') and money (Humus! Warcraft! New Guitar Strings!). You've come to learn about bars and booze however. Dear do I feel bad for Tess she doesn't' know your name but you've hit on her twice knowing she's had a boyfriend for 4$. Don't go to STAX!. But other than abusing money with your power - dark side.... you've come to know comfort amongst people. NO LONGER are you a puppet of SOUP for stimulation or respect. YOU are now enlightened by your beauty and ability, by your CO-WORKERS and FRIENDS. It has taken so long. Finally we've launched. Finally washed up to the shores of a new, greener limbo ( The image of the hand - God's hand from the Sistine Chapel touching color for the first time from the demolition of black and white.

ANYWAY
HOPE
is
THRILLING
&
ALL
IMAGINATION
is
COOL
But WTF is going ON!

Okay. Seth is going to mail me some acid and I'm going to dance with Lucy. I've been trying to get Ian and Pat involved. But the more I think about it I really should trip alone. I mean I have a lot to conquer and I can't waste a trip on getting to "really know" other people... I'm buying 10x6$---------------> Liar 10x?? right now. Though I've been taking claim of myself and any opposition will be brutally murdered. And people don't fit into my budget unless I'm lonely. Which I used to be alot, now, I'm just writing cause I'm drunk and thought I shouldn't deprive myself of a possible life skill ( BEING A WRITER IS NO LONGER THE OBJECTIVE - BEING YOU IS), I mean I like to write and so what If I'm good or bad at it, honestly I don't think you can be BAD at it so long as people get SOMETHIng out of it. Besides writeres nowadays are pretntious DicKBags. And on the double no matter how big or small your imagination is writing is by far or has to be the #1 excersice tool for self identity. The man of previous scripts is dieing. Not because he wasn't this man, but because he was NOT SELF SUFFICIENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm putting away the booze and GOING TO BED.

I was 7 mudslides in and I swear I spelt everything but excersice right. and I still haven't spelt it right because it was a rewrite. HOWEVER

I read this last night after I wrote it AND These two lines stood out:
I'm just writing cause I'm drunk
And people don't fit into my budget unless I'm lonely.
Though I've been taking claim of myself and any opposition will be brutally murdered.

I feel so god damn good today its ridiculous.
Like all the bull shit holding me down has been washed away by my own dream space.
I saw Inception.
After watching it I felt like I'd done it to my self.
Three big trips that last months that seem like minutes and change your reality each time.
All I have to say is : New York, Colorado, New York.

It took me until this Friday, to shake off my cravings for last Friday.
Like wanting booze, or drugs etc...
I think its ridiculous.
So I'm skipping my routine of going to STAX and hitting on the bar tender on Friday.

Cause A. She has a boy friend, of whom I know and from what I know of him, I like.
B. We probably only have music, and the way we dress in common.
C. I can't control my alcohol problem after I go out just ONE night in my week.


In other news.

Lucy is coming to me. Its been a while since we've embraced each other. Its been never since I've seen her at home. I'm interested, and a little frightened by her.
But I can't wait to get entranced by her dancing and her red dress.

She's all I ever see any more, and its hard to be away for so long Lucy.

(if you don't get what I mean - LSD. I call her Lucy cause of the beatles song, but more so every time I trip she is there and I follow her and she manifests/controls me like a lover when I'm on the other side).

The day may be somewhat trying for you, Leo. You may have a speech to deliver or a private performance to put on for your beloved. In any case, you will have to prove yourself, and you will spare no energy in the attempt. By the end of the day, you will be satisfied but completely drained. Plan to rest afterward. You will have earned it.